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her_kiss_kills
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Name: >christine<
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Gender: Female
Interests: airplanes, apathy, art, beauty, belly-buttons, bisexuality, biting, black, black and white, bleeding, bright eyes, bright lights, bruises, cake, cameras, candles, cats, chicago, circles, city life, clavicles, coffee, cold toes, cuddling, cursive letters, desire, dreams, driving fast, emotion, empty pages, escape, eyeliner, fairys, filled journals, finger tips in hair, fire, fireworks, flaws, glitter, hands, happily-ever-afters, hate, heartbreak, hot wax, ice cream, ice cubes, indulgence, intensity, kisses, knives, laughter, lightening, lipgloss, liprings, love, mistakes, mood swings, moon, murder, old shoebox memories, pain, peace, photographs, plastic rings, platforms, pleasure, purring, rain, razors, red, regret, rejection, romance, rose petals, scratching, secret notes, seduction, short skirts, shoulder blades, singing, skylines, speeding cars, stars, suicide, summer nights, sunshine, tears, thigh high fishnets, thorns, thunder, tragedy, train rides, veins, w
Expertise: eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric related activities. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric. eric.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  glitterandgrime
Member Since:
2/4/2004
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| It's so dichotomous, my feelings. On one hand you make me feel like
nothing ever can. Like we're on a whole nother level than anyone. When
it's just us and we pray from red lights because the moment is just so
perfect. but on the other hand my whole body is in pain from how bad my
heart is hurting. i cant move or breathe, and when i'm left alone with
just these thoughts it's hazardous. i should go to school before i get
all worked up. <supress it>
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| i was so strong with beating bad habits, but we can't win everything.
but i think she saw and i flipped out. and i cant stand to be in my
skin right now. worse than i'd ever imagined. i mean, i knew, dont get
me wrong, i knew. a girl isnt stupid. she knows. but i pretended i was
wrong, because noone could do that when their love was so strong. this
pain is tangible and is visible and i know the cause and reaction.
everything else is a fucking mess. why can't life just be steady and
work out? why does she have the power to ruin my entire life with a few
easy, animilistic movements.
nothing have made me feel so nasty and shitty and hurt and empty. ever.
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| Time and time again I gotta turn around and tell c-bone grab that cologne out my bookbag i smell dro all on u homes.
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| Well I'm back from hawaii. Seems like I missed a lot (HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORIE),
but the things I gained are plenitful. My mind and my heart are so full
right now and at the same time incredibly empty. A lot of things were
put into perspective, but many things are still dangling in need of
attention, but they continue to be neglected. I need to get out of
here. I've had a great 15 years but it's time to move on and see other
things. I don't think I can teach any more. I feel enept. It hurts a
little to be here when I know theres so much more out there. It hurts
me to see life being abused and for us to find misery in so much yet
happiness in so little. We were children once; children who played and
believed and laughed and didn't mind dirty feet or tangled hair or
unbalanced check books. I've dreamed of something else for so long, I
suffered from such anxiousness and it still feels like there's fire
underneath my feet sometimes, but I feel so much closer. I feel like my
hands are finally taking control of the strings running my life.
Actualization. We could sit here forever and come up with excuses not
to do what we want, but one reason to follow what feels right should be
all it takes. Let it go. I feel so many changes happening inside right
now, I feel growth and expansion, but I feel like a gas within a
container, I feel near explosion. Why have we been taught paradise is
so unattainable? Paradise is achievable, all you need is that spark
within. Stop complaining about everything that's wrong, can't you
please just find something good? Sure there's lots of bad, but seperate
yourself. Take the initiative. Go. I'm going. I can't tell you the
feelings I felt as I came home. I could live with fresh fruit everyday
and sunshine and flip flops and a lifestyle so much more relaxed than
ours. I could afford to take a deep breath for once. For twice. For as
often as I needed. Not like this, how I'm being suffocated by
everything. Stuggling for air between hits, incense, old jammin music
and meditation. I pretend I'm not here, but it makes it even harder to
be here. Especially when we don't talk, when things aren't the same,
when the one thing thats keeping me here feels shakey. I used to be so
excited and now I'm just afraid and self concious. I try so hard to
forget but I just keep seeing you and her and the words and the
evidence and remembering how I felt that Christmas Eve- remembering how
it was a heartbreak and pain surpassing anything ever, bad habits never
seemed so comforting, yet even they couldnt touch the surface. Empty.
Once I felt beautiful and funny to you but not anymore. I'd dream of
everything we could have, now I'd rather not dream of anything because
more than often my dreams about you hurt. I need you more than ever but
it's just not easy. But then we spend a day together and we try so hard
and want it so badly it almost feels okay, except that chip on my
shoulder. Can't we just runaway and start something better? I miss you
so much.
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| I don't think anyone has ever hurt me like this. I never expected this.
I have so many words and yet none at all, just hurt. I just don't even
know what do to anymore. Why???!!
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